Beyond Resistance (The Ransom Series) Page 6

  The sound of laughter from within the house greets my ears as I fiddle with my keys in the front door. When the lock finally releases, I swing the door open to find my parents and grandparents in full-on smiles sitting across from each other in the living room, a couple bottles of liquor and a few empty shot glasses resting on the wooden table between them.

  Mom gets up from her chair to approach me as the laughter in the room dies down at my sudden appearance. She pulls me into a hug and holds me there. “We were getting worried about you.”

  Returning her embrace, I smile to the rest of my family over her shoulder. “Sorry, I was gone later than I expected.”

  “I’m just glad you’re home.” She squeezes me just a little harder before finally releasing me.

  “What were you up to?” Dad asks, shattering the fragile bubble of relief that surrounded me just a moment before.

  I glance around the room as if the response I’m looking for may be written clearly on the walls in front of me. Instead of finding a way out, I face the issue with my dad head-on. “I stopped for a drink at the bar.” It’s not the full truth, but it’s not a lie, either.

  Dad’s face remains expressionless while Mom jabs my shoulder and frowns with disapproval. “You shouldn’t be spending money like that. You should know better than–”

  “You met a girl.”

  Everyone turns to Robert at his comment before the entire room stills. My heart races in my chest–its pounding probably audible across the room at this point–but I don’t otherwise make a sound.

  Mom is the first to turn to me, looking me up and down as if something may be seriously wrong with me. “I don’t understand.”

  “I’ve seen that look before,” Robert explains as studies me with a penetrating gaze. “It’s the same look I saw on Leo’s face all those years ago.” He stops and thinks for a moment, and I fear the next words to come out of his mouth because I can clearly see the wheels turning in his head. “The woman on the road last night. We passed a bar not long after we saw her. She’s the one you’re seeing?”

  My hand involuntarily moves to my temple. I can almost feel the headache coming on in the wake of this conversation that is getting way out of hand too quickly. I need to contain this wildfire before it spreads any further. “I’m not seeing anyone. I offered her a ride home from work today so she wouldn’t be walking in the dark.” It takes me a moment to clear my throat and work up the courage for what I’m about to say next. “I’m also meeting her for coffee in the morning.”

  “What are you thinking?” Mom asks, her voice practically begging me to deny the whole thing. She pulls me to look at her, and I can barely meet her gaze. “You know the rules. You can’t get too close to people. You’re not supposed to bring attention to yourself. We need to remain invisible.”

  My heart sinks at her words even though I know each one is true. Is it selfish of me to bring more risk into our lives for the sake of actually living my life?

  “I…”

  The words start and fail to come out of my mouth, the debate in my mind over what’s right and wrong overpowering my ability to explain myself. As I look around the room and meet the concerned gazes of each of my family members, I absolutely lose it. My temper flares within me, igniting some hidden part of me that has been repressed since back when I was a rebellious teenager ignorant of my family’s unique situation.

  “Look at us,” I burst out in a fury. “We’re here together now as a family. No one is looking for us. No one is following us. No one gives a damn about our fucked-up family anymore.” My blood is boiling at this point, the rage within me overpowering its banks and about ready to overflow even more than it already has. “Why can’t we be more normal now?”

  “It’s too risky,” Dad growls, and in that moment I can see my own rabid temper mirrored in my father as he stands up from the chair. “You have no idea what this family has been through. Each one of us has sacrificed everything to be here. Our friend died to give you this chance at a life of freedom, and you just want to throw it all away!”

  Dad’s mention of Jack Pearce–the aging doctor who brought me into this world and sacrificed his life to save my family–brings my tirade to a halt, and suddenly it feels impossible to be in the same room with these people any longer. I’m caught up in an inescapable whirlwind of guilt and anger and indecision as I turn and bolt down the small hallway to my room and slam the door behind me.

  Just as I turn the lock, I feel the doorknob jiggle and clank loudly before loud pounding starts up against my wooden door.

  “Dante. Open this damn door!”

  Dad’s verbal and physical assault on my door continues, and for a moment I wonder if he’s going to break the door in. It’s not until I hear Mom’s voice outside that everything stops.

  I can’t make out what my parents are saying in their hushed discussion just outside my room, but eventually heavy footsteps move away from me down the hall and my mom’s voice is all that remains.

  “Enjoy your coffee tomorrow. We’ll talk when you get home.”

  I don’t know what to say. No response seems appropriate. I feel like a fucking child in how I just acted. It was wrong and I was disrespectful to my family, but how else was I supposed to react? The way my life was before just isn’t enough now. I need to do more than just exist. I need to actually live.

  Someday they’ll understand.

  I know I should go out there and apologize. I should ask the people I owe everything to for forgiveness, but I’m not ready to face them yet. It’s stupid of me, but I’m going to stay tucked away in my room, ready to face a restless night torn between a life of safety and a life worth living. There are two clear paths I can take, one with significantly more risk than the other, and I can’t take them both.

  Until now I’ve never known the turmoil of true sleeplessness. Being stuck in the conscious world amidst silence and darkness for hours with my only my jumbled thoughts to accompany me is agonizing.

  The morning comes painfully slow as last night’s fight with my parents left me with too much to think about. In these hours I’ve been lying awake in bed, I’ve reflected on the past I remember and the past I’ve only heard stories about. I’ve looked to the future, to who I want to be and what I want to do with my life. The possibilities are endless, all laid out before me awaiting my move, and I don’t have a fucking clue what to do.

  The moment I see the hint of brightening outside behind the curtains over my window, I’m out of bed and getting dressed. The twilight of morning is barely introducing itself to the sky, but I need to get out there. I need to put some space between me and this house that has essentially encompassed my entire life.

  I remain as silent as possible as I leave my room and stop at the bathroom across the hall. Glancing at the closed door to my parents’ room only fuels me to get out of this house faster. I’m not ready to talk to them about my explosion of emotion last night. I’m not sure I’m ready to even think about it yet.

  After grabbing my keys, I slink out the front door and lock it quietly behind me. It takes only seconds of being out in the open air for me to feel better, as if the weight on my chest has finally been lifted just enough for me to breathe again.

  There’s barely enough light now to guide me through the forest, but I hardly need it to get me to my destination. I’ve been down this path to my sanctuary in the woods too many times before.

  With each step I take closer to it, I start to feel better, but at the same time I wonder whether this is what I should really be doing. I’m effectively running from something that I should be standing up to face head-on. I’m hiding my issues deep inside and reverting back to a state that is comfortable and safe by coming back to this place of solitude in the woods.

  By the time I reach the large rock perfectly nestled amidst the trees next to the creek, the sky has brightened significantly in its preparation to fully greet the sun. I take my usual seat on the flattened natural bench at the top of the
rock and bring my knees to my chest, fully expecting my presence in this almost sacred place to immediately wash me over with the comfort and clarity this spot of nature can provide, but something is off. I find it does nothing for me.

  I feel nothing.

  This was enough before. Just being here in this place where the rest of the world was irrelevant made me feel better. Out of the entire planet, I had at least this one place where it was okay to be all alone and not a part of anything larger than me or my family.

  A slight bit of panic rises up within me at the realization that I can’t find that relief now. For whatever reason, it’s not enough for me anymore. The world has everything to offer yet it all feels beyond my grasp. I feel like I belong nowhere.

  Absolutely fucking nowhere.

  I can’t sit here a moment longer. I don’t want these thoughts and this moment to scar my good memories of this place any more than they already have. After hopping down from the rock, I glance back at it and wonder if my sanctuary that has helped keep me sane for years is finally lost to me. It feels tainted now, a bad moment in time that has seeped into my brain and ruined the beauty and comfort of this spot from this day forward.

  As I make my way back through the woods, it seems an ironic gesture that time has chosen this moment to allow the sun to fully rise, to bathe the sky above me in radiant morning sunlight when I feel overwhelmingly drenched in darkness. I press on back toward the house, though I have no intention of reentering it. I’m not ready to face my parents. I’m not sure I’m even ready to face Lily, but the desire to smile and laugh and forget about my strange place or lack of place in the world is enough to overpower my reservations about going forward with the coffee date.

  Today is a test. By the end of the day I want to choose a path for my life and be confident in the direction I’ve chosen.

  10

  It feels like the morning has lasted for ages already, but it’s finally close enough to ten o’clock for me to make my way to Lily’s place and put an end to my aimless driving around the area to kill time before our coffee date. I’m ready for a reprieve from being alone with my thoughts. I’m ready for distraction and the refreshing shot of life that Lily is about to inject into my day.

  As I pull into the housing development where she lives and park outside her garage door, some of the pain and difficulty that have weighed me down since last night start to lift. When I see Lily’s beaming face emerge from the house and her brown hair bouncing all around her as she turns to lock the front door, everything about me and this day seems to lighten even more. She is exactly the person I should be with at this moment.

  I get out of the car and run around it to the other side. Lily’s zipping along so quickly from her front door to the car that I’m starting to wonder if she’s had a few cups of coffee already.

  “Hey,” I greet her with an unstoppable smile on my face as we meet up by the passenger-side door.

  She seems to sigh a little in relief. “So glad you’re here.” When I give her a sideways glance in confusion at her comment, she waves her hand dismissively between us. “Sorry, I was just a little worried you might not show up after how I practically attacked you in your car last night.”

  Heat courses through me at the reminder of my first kiss that progressed much further than first kisses should. It’s hard to keep a straight face when I respond to her. “You’ll have to try harder if you’re looking to scare me away.”

  She pushes my shoulder playfully before opening the passenger-side door. “You’re one of the good ones. Why would I want to scare you away?”

  Though she’s clearly joking around, a glimpse of seriousness plays out on her face as she takes a seat. I debate whether to ask her about it further as I make my way around the front of the car to the driver’s side but opt to keep my mouth shut. I’d rather keep the tone of our morning light and fun as I take a seat next to her. “Well, you’re letting me drive now. I consider that a good sign.”

  “If you wanted to take advantage of me, I think you would have tried when I gave you the perfect opportunity last night.” Her cheeks seem to redden just a shade with her words. “Sorry again about that. It’s just a bit of a turn on to find a guy who looks at me like more than a walking piece of meat.”

  I’m a bit taken aback by her bluntness and am left dumbfounded at how to respond, but once the shock of it passes, I finally realize what she’s trying to say.

  She’s into me. This girl might actually have a thing for me.

  I buckle in and turn on the car with renewed vigor pulsing through me, suddenly feeling more than okay about my decision to accept this coffee date and step outside my safety bubble.

  “So… coffee,” Lily bursts in before I can even put the car in reverse. “Do you even know where we’re going?”

  My reply is immediate. “Lady’s choice.”

  “I was hoping you’d say that.” She buckles in as we hit the stop sign before the main road. “I know there are cute little coffee shops in town, but I have to admit I’m a Starbucks girl.”

  “Starbucks it is, then,” I declare, taking us in the direction of the nearest Starbucks just outside of the nearby town.

  Lily seemed to like having the radio on last night, so I fiddle with the volume until the local classic rock station is just loud enough to hear without overpowering any conversation. She smiles and moves her head back and forth just enough to tell me she recognizes this song and is clearly enjoying it.

  I can’t help my curiosity. “You know this song?”

  “I know all these songs.” She closes her eyes for a long moment and seems to absorb every note of the music and word of the lyrics. It’s hard to keep my eyes on the road when all I want to do is watch her experience this music. “My dad was a huge fan of classic rock.” Her eyes open and some of the pure joy that was there a moment ago seems lost from her expression. “I know you’re going to ask the question, so I’m just going to get the answer out of the way now. He died in a car accident when I was three. You don’t have to say anything about it or feel sorry for me. I’m just glad I can hold on to the pieces of his life that I can.”

  Our light and fun morning just took a morbid turn. I’m glad she alleviated my need to reply, because no words would seem appropriate at the moment to talk about her dead father.

  We remain immersed in the music until I notice the tavern up ahead. “You have the day off today?”

  She shakes her head. “Working from two o’clock until close unfortunately.” She pauses a moment, though her upper body doesn’t stop its small movements to the music. “Do you have to get to work at some point?”

  “Not working today.”

  “Not working just today, or any day?” A playfully skeptical look crosses Lily’s face. “Are you sure you’re not playing hooky just to hang out with me this morning?”

  This girl is something else. It’s difficult to hold back the laugh building inside me, but I manage to restrain myself. “I can assure you that I have nowhere else to be today.”

  “Oh no. Don’t tell me.” She looks horrified for a moment and slinks away from me in her seat. “You don’t live in your parents’ basement, do you?”

  The car keeps moving us forward, but all thoughts and emotions within me come to a screeching halt. I direct my attention to the road for a moment before chancing a glance back at Lily. How do I approach this topic honestly without sounding like a total loser? “I do live with my parents,” I begin to explain, “but that’s mostly because I don’t really have anywhere else I can go at this point.”

  A new song starts up on the radio, a slower tempo that seems to bring down the energy of the entire car, the perfect complement to my admission.

  “I get that,” Lily finally acknowledges after a few moments of silence between us. “I think you’ll like breaking away from them, though. Once you’re finally out on your own, you’ll realize it was well worth the wait.”

  “I hope so.” Though I should know better th
an to go any further into this conversation, I let more honesty seep out of me. “I’m at an interesting point in my life,” I continue, though I can’t look at her as I say these words. My gaze remains straight ahead of me, only looking forward. “I’ve accepted the way things were for a long time, but I’m not sure I can do that anymore. It’s just not enough for me now.”

  The somber melody on the radio fills the space between us. Lily doesn’t respond to me. I don’t know if she’s even still paying attention to me and my random ramblings about life. I know I need to turn to see her, to read the expression on her face to understand just how stupid of an idea it was to open up to her like this, but I’m afraid of what I’ll see there. Other than with my parents, I’ve never opened myself up to anyone like this.

  “Here’s the deal,” she finally speaks up, her tone completely serious. She doesn’t continue, forcing to me to look at her to see why she’s not talking when she clearly has something to say. When I glance over and our eyes meet, I realize the expression on her face is kind and genuine. She’s really trying to help me here. “You, sir, need a new beginning. You need to do what makes you happy, otherwise what’s the point to life?”

  “I wish it was that easy,” I blurt out before immediately wishing I could retract those words that I have no desire to explain. Though this conversation is definitely uncomfortable for me, it feels good to talk about this subject with someone who clearly understands my point of view.

  Luckily Lily doesn’t press me on what I’ve said as she points straight ahead of us. “There it is. The happiest place on Earth.”

  I’m thoroughly confused by Lily’s excitement until I see the Starbucks appear up ahead. Relief almost immediately washes over me at seeing our destination and knowing this difficult conversation is at an end.

  As I’m pulling into the parking lot, a more upbeat song comes on the radio, gratefully easing away even more of the heaviness in the air of the car from just moments before. I hope we can take some of that energy with us to liven up this coffee date that was meant to be much more relaxed and carefree than this.