Ash to Dust (Falling Ash Book 2) Read online

  It’s hard to know what to expect as I approach the side door to the garage. Even after almost two years together, Silas still sometimes resists talking openly about what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling. He keeps his unpredictable side tucked away. It rarely emerges, but he hasn’t gotten rid of it completely. Any one of the numerous versions of Silas could be waiting for me behind that door, but it doesn’t matter which one I find. I love them all just the same.

  Without hesitation, I push the door open to find Silas standing with his back to me at one of his workbenches at the far wall of the garage. He sets down the tool he was using—some kind of knife—before he turns around and leans back on the bench to look at me.

  I smile as I walk past the silver BMW coupe and approach him, desperate for him to mimic my expression and show me that he’s okay, but he doesn’t mirror my face at all. He looks just as serious as Jake said he looked, and it crushes me a bit inside.

  As much as I want to collapse into his arms immediately and let him hold me, I know that I need to be strong for him right now, so I stop in front of him and take his hand in mine instead.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, even though I know it’s a stupid question. He witnessed me trying to conceive a child with his best friend less than twenty-four hours ago. Of course he’s not okay. Nothing about this situation is okay.

  Silas doesn’t initially respond other than to grip my free hand with his and pull both of our connected hands to his chest. He takes a deep breath and then says, “I want to show you something.”

  Before I can even respond, Silas has turned me around gently by my shoulders so that I’m facing the bench and he’s standing directly behind me. He snakes his arms around my waist and holds me while I observe his creation.

  The moment I see the handcrafted wooden cradle on the surface of the bench, I immediately burst out in a half-laugh, half-cry. Happy tears pour from my eyes as I take in the simple, but beautiful piece of furniture. I can see exactly where he was just working: carving out the third star in the rounded wood at the foot of the cradle to complete the set of three cut-out stars that match the set at the opposite side.

  “It’s beautiful,” I say softly through my tears. “I can’t believe you made this.”

  Silas’ grip around my midsection tightens. “If I can’t give you a child, the least I can do is give you a place for a child to sleep.”

  “Silas.” I try to turn around to face him, but he won’t let me. He doesn’t want me to see him when he’s feeling weak and vulnerable. “You know as well as I do that there could be other factors affecting our ability to conceive. You shouldn’t automatically blame yourself.”

  “If Joseph can give you a child and I can’t,” Silas begins to say, his pain becoming more audible with each word, “I’ll love the child with all of my heart, but I’ll never forgive myself for failing you.”

  I shake my head, abandoning this effort to reason with Silas using words, because he clearly isn’t going to listen. I shift to action instead, pulling on Silas’ arm to move it up from my waist under my shirt until his hand cups my bare breast.

  “Joseph can’t give me everything,” I whisper breathlessly, collapsing my hand over his to encourage him to feel me. My nipple begins to harden at the touch and quickly reaches its most erect position.

  Silas exhales loudly next to my ear just before his mouth consumes my neck with ravenous kisses. Using his free hand to pull the neckline of my shirt to the side, Silas exposes my shoulder and begins kissing me there, too, showing me his passion and love with each sweep of his lips over my skin.

  When I try to turn around this time, Silas doesn’t stop me. I’ve barely readjusted to face him when he’s pulling my shirt over my head to do away with it completely. His lips find my breast, and he takes my nipple into his warm mouth, sucking on me as if I’m the only thing sustaining him at this moment.

  I don’t care that we’re in the garage or that I could be easily heard if Joseph or Jake were to step outside of the house. I want this with Silas, here and now, so I quickly work at unfastening his jeans and then push them down to the floor. When I’m about to grab for the fabric of his boxer briefs, he removes his mouth from my breast, and his hands find mine to stop me.

  “I’m going to give this to you,” he says in a low voice between us, his hungry eyes demanding my gaze, “because I’m the only one who can make love to you.”

  His hands find their way around my back and waist to ease me down against the hood of the BMW parked right next to us. For a brief moment, I remember Joseph helping me down to this position—to this vulnerable and exposed position in which I give myself openly and completely—but the thought quickly retreats to the back of my mind when I realize that the rest of our clothes are gone and Silas’ mouth is on my pussy.

  He grips my thighs and parts my legs even more, inviting himself all the way in as he presses his tongue in and out of my opening, teasing me with the idea of working his cock inside me. My soft moans turn into desperate gasps when his tongue finds my clit, and he tortures me with alternating between quick licks and using the full force of his mouth.

  I’m about ready to unravel at any moment, but I don’t want this feeling to end just yet, even if he has plans to make me come repeatedly.

  “I need you, Silas,” I whisper breathlessly as I grip the hood of the car as best I can for support. “I need you to come inside me.”

  The pleasured assault on my pussy abruptly ends as Silas meets my gaze and slowly maneuvers his way up the hood of the car until he’s hovering over me with his broad shoulders and firm chest. His lips find mine, and I taste my wetness on them as we devour each other in our wild exchange.

  It’s not long before my legs are parted again and Silas is inside me. His lower body grinds slowly against me at first, showing me every bit of his love and not rushing us through this at all. But when our endless kiss becomes even more heated and he can’t seem to get enough of me through it anymore, our lips part and he grabs my shoulders and he fucks me as deeply as possible until I’m screaming out with the uncontrollable pleasure consuming my entire body.

  A muffled gasp escapes Silas’ lips at the same time that his hands grip my shoulders even tighter. His body stiffens above me with each final thrust, and when he lets out a relieved sigh, I know that our moment of respite, defined by feelings of absolute pleasure and unconditional love, is over.

  I’m thankful that our shared heavy breathing alleviates the need for dialogue between us, because I’m worried about how the conversation we were having before our moment of escape will progress now. Silas touches his forehead to mine, and we both close our eyes, neither of us ready to face our reality again just yet.

  I could stay like this forever, connected with Silas in this perfect relaxed state, one in which we can ignore all of our troubles: our difficulty conceiving a child together, our dwindling non-perishable food supply, our self-imposed exile from the crumbled world beyond these mountains. I can’t let Silas continue to focus on those problems, though. He needs to come back to me. He needs to be my strong and supportive rock again.

  He needs to understand.

  “If there is a baby growing inside me,” I say hesitantly, immediately drawing Silas’ gaze, “you will be the baby’s father, no matter what. This is your child, Silas.”

  He looks away, appearing almost disgusted with himself, so I reach up to his cheek and turn his face back toward me.

  “We will have this child together,” I reiterate again. “This baby will—”

  “I deserve this,” Silas interrupts before backing away from me off of the car hood and quickly pulling up his clothes. When I sit up on my elbows against the hood and look at him questioningly, he explains, “Everything I did to you and Jake, all of my terrible acts as a mercenary in my life before… This is my punishment.”

  I shake my head and push up fully from the car hood. Before I can even set a foot on the ground, though, Silas reaches out to help me sta
nd.

  “You’re not being punished,” I argue. “You have the medical knowledge to know that this is nothing more than human biology screwing us over.”

  Silas releases a bitter laugh before leaning down to pick up my discarded clothes from the floor. By the time he returns my gaze, though, his expression has become more serious.

  He shoves my shirt at me and says, “Maybe it’s better this way.”

  I stare at him incredulously for a moment, completely abandoning any attempt to get dressed. “Why would you say that?”

  “You know my about my anger issues. You’ve seen the darkness inside of me.” He shifts his stance uncomfortably and looks away. “I shouldn’t pass on my genes to a child anyway.”

  I immediately reach behind Silas’ head and pull him toward me to kiss him. I kiss his lips so many times and with such passion that my lips are still tingling by the time I pull away.

  Silas stares at me with some mix of confusion and appreciation in his expression as I prepare to tell him exactly how I feel.

  “You know I love all parts of you,” I say comfortingly. “You know I’ve accepted you exactly as you are.”

  I’ve tried to keep the bigger picture in the forefront of my mind and not to let my emotions about not being able to conceive with Silas overcome me, but in this moment, it’s hard to keep those emotions in check.

  Tears cloud my vision, and my throat constricts; but I manage to get the rest of my words out anyway: “I would have been so happy to have your biological child, and maybe I will someday.”

  He nods, but doesn’t smile. I need him to smile. I want nothing more than for him to find the happiness and acceptance that I know he’s capable of achieving.

  A crazy thought crosses my mind, a way to lighten up this day, to combat the pain and sadness that have been so prominent between us. I grab the rest of my clothes from Silas’ hands and clutch them with my shirt to my chest as I bolt for the door.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Silas calls after me, but I’m already turning the knob and stepping outside.

  I take only the briefest moment to stop and smile at Silas’ shocked and confused face before I turn and run in the sunshine down the path between the garage and the house toward the backyard, not stopping until I’m at the hidden gate in the tall wooden fence that surrounds the property.

  It’s a bit of a struggle to undo the locks while holding my pile of clothes, so I drop them to the grass and reach back up to tackle the second of the three locks.

  Before I can get a handle on it, though, Silas is directly behind me with his arms extended to unlatch the remaining locks.

  “As much as I’m enjoying watching you run around naked in the yard,” Silas says playfully, “you could easily be giving our housemates a show.”

  I shrug my shoulders and pull the gate open the moment Silas has it completely unlocked. “They could use a good laugh anyway.” Leaving my clothes behind, I step through the open gate and walk slowly backward with my arms out to my sides, giving Silas a full view of my naked body to entice him to follow me. “You could use a good laugh, too.”

  I don’t wait for his reaction. I turn around and run down the path toward the pond with the open air passing over my bare skin the entire way. My body is bathed in full sunshine when I step out from the tree line into the small clearing in front of the pond.

  Silas’ footsteps approach me from behind. By the time I turn around, he’s already shirtless and working his jeans and boxer briefs down his legs.

  I can’t help taking a moment to appreciate the beauty of the naked man before me. Silas’ chiseled muscles are perfectly defined beneath smooth skin that is a landscape marked by occasional scars. His appearance is an accurate representation of the man he is inside: powerful and capable, yet marked by the demons of his dark past. I like to think that he is a new man now, despite his deep-seated belief that he could never change, but I worry that this latest instance of Fate screwing him over might push him back down his dark path.

  At this moment, though, he’s almost smiling as he approaches me and slips his hand in mine. Together we walk the short distance to the shoreline of the pond and don’t hesitate to step into its frigid water.

  Chills consume my entire body the farther we walk into the water, but I’m comforted by having Silas by my side. When we’re far enough from the shore that our bodies are mostly beneath the water but we can still touch the bottom of the pond, we stop and come together in an embrace. Our bodies entwine completely, providing enough warmth between us to combat the iciness of the water.

  Silas kisses the side of my head before resting his chin gently on my shoulder. I sigh and relax into him more, losing myself in him like I often do when he offers his support and I accept and embrace it completely.

  We remain like this for some time in silence until I feel Silas readjust the placement of his hands and arms around me. One of his hands sweeps down until his palm finds my lower abdomen beneath the water.

  I smile and pull back from our embrace so that I can gauge Silas’ expression. The spark of excitement is evident in his eyes amidst a mixed look of amazement and curiosity. When he sees me watching him, he quickly withdraws his hand, but I grab it and put it back where it was on my skin.

  “It’s okay,” I encourage. “I want you to embrace this with me.”

  His slight resistance against my hold ceases at what I’ve said. He splays his hand out on me again, resting it just inches away from the natural processes racing to create a child within me, and then he meets my gaze.

  Silas finally smiles.

  3

  I’ve missed the smell of the propane grill heating up on the patio outside. In our efforts to conserve the propane supply we have left, we only use grill on special occasions, and today easily qualifies as such an event. It’s Joseph’s birthday, and given how down he has been in the couple of weeks since we had sex, the rest of us are committed to making every minute of this day great for him.

  The L-shaped stone counter with the built-in stainless steel grill is already covered with sets of plates and utensils and the main course for our meal tonight: venison from Silas’ recent hunting trip. After months of relying mostly on our depleting supply of non-perishable food—without a garden and without easy mobility to hunt over the winter—my mouth is salivating at the sight of the thick-cut steaks waiting to be grilled.

  I turn from my position sitting at the wrought-iron table on the patio when I hear footsteps approach from the house. Joseph is walking toward me with a whiskey glass half full of amber liquid, no doubt shoved into his hand by my brother who I know has been trying everything he can to get Joseph to relax and enjoy himself today.

  When Joseph sees me sitting at the table, he hesitates and moves to turn back toward the house, but I stand up and quickly call after him, “Hey! Please stay.”

  He somewhat reluctantly turns around to face me, but immediately looks away. I can’t deny the ache in my chest at seeing how much our sexual encounter has affected him, even weeks after it occurred.

  Even on his goddamned birthday.

  Tightness spreads throughout my chest all the way up to my throat, and I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. I want Joseph to be happy, especially on this day. The last thing I want to do is cause him any more heartache than I already have.

  “I can go,” I say quietly before stepping across the stone patio toward the house, but Joseph catches me by the arm to stop me.

  “Don’t go,” he insists without looking at me, but he maintains his hold on my arm. For a long moment, we remain like this until his hand slides down my skin until his palm is connected with mine. Only then do his eyes rise up to meet my gaze. “Are you—”

  “I’m late,” I answer before he can even finish the question, “but I haven’t taken a test yet.”

  He nods and looks down at my belly as if it should somehow look different already. “Can you take the test today?”

  Confusion consumes my ex
pression, and Joseph’s grip on my hand immediately tightens. “You really want to find out on your birthday?”

  “I need to know,” he breathes out shakily. “Do this one thing for me. It’s all I ask.” He swallows hard and closes his eyes briefly before opening them again to plead with me. “I need to know if I’m going to be a father.”

  It’s incredibly strange to be having this conversation with a man who is not my partner, someone I’ve come to know well in the time we’ve spent together living under the same roof, someone I love as family.

  Someone who planted his seed inside me to be the biological father of my potential progeny.

  I owe this to him. I owe him so much more than fulfilling this simple request, and I hope I can pay him back in full someday.

  “I’ll take the test,” I promise, placing my free hand over our connected hands. Some amount of relief floods Joseph’s face before it scurries away at the sound of the back door to the kitchen opening and shutting.

  We quickly release our hands and return them to our sides when we see Silas approaching from the house with the case full of grilling utensils tucked beneath his arm. His expression is a mix of curiosity and worry as looks over each of us, attempting to make sense of what he just saw.

  “What’s going on?” he asks sternly, directing the question at me.

  I give my best attempt at a natural smile. “We were just talking about how things are progressing.”

  Now Silas is the one who looks like he wants to walk away from this conversation, but I can’t let him be consumed by concern and doubt, too. It has been awkward among the three of us ever since the day that Joseph slept with me, and I don’t know how much longer I can stand for it to be that way.

  “I’m going to take the test,” I state in decision. “Right now.” Silas parts his lips to say something, but I step forward and reach out a hand to stop him. “We need to know, Silas. We’re a family, and all we have is each other. We need to move past this unease among us if we’re ever going to be ready to expand our family.”